Dark times...

Okay, so I'm gonna tell you about a particularly dark time for me. Don't worry, I'm not gonna go all soppy and make you want to hang yourself or anything.
World, I just feel I should warn you. If you are going through a dark time, just remember: Be yourself!
Okay so here it is (this may be long):
It all started when I was coming back from the Clothes show live in Birmingham. We were on the coach, as it was just pulling into the school. I went to my mother's car, where she was on the phone talking to my auntie, and she was saying the the ambulance was at my grandmother's house. After my mum got off the phone, I asked her what it was about, and she said "Oh, the ambulance couldn't get hold of (my) dad, so they rung Sue to tell her that Granny had a fall. I'll take you home now".
But, I objected. I wanted to see if my granny was alright, after all my Gran and I were quite close. So we arrive at Halifax house (where she was living, and happy to live at that) and we made her way to the flat she was staying in. We see a police officer as we are walking down that hallway, and he starts to make his way down.
My mother asks him "Is everything alright? You called my sister in law about a fall?" The police officer then delivers the piece of news which is why you are reading this blog right now:
"I was called here because residents here rang me, and I'm afraid, she has passed away".
My soul ripped in half. I could feel it running all the way down my chest, up my back and through my arms. My mother and I turned around simultaneously and broke down crying. No offense to anyone out there, but you have no idea just how painful it is until it's happened to you.
The officer gave us details, but I wasn't listening. There was only one thing going round my mind at that moment, which was "Granny, granny, granny...".
My mother had to break the news to my dad and my auntie. One piece of information you should know, is that my grandpa (dad's dad) died when my dad was just 18.
Could you imagine, having to tell 2 children that their only remaining parent has just died. I gained to much respect for my mother, even more than what I already had.
We told my brother when we went back home to come and get him. I've only seen him cry twice in 7 years, and this was the second time.
My dad eventually arrived, and we had a moment. This was the very first time I've ever seen my dad cry.
My aunt arrived the next day, and my uncle (from Australia and my dad's younger brother) on Wednesday.
I had to tell my friends what happened on Wednesday.
I was dreading this part the most, because I knew that as soon as I would tell them, all the memories from that day would come rushing back to me. But everyone was supportive, as well as the teachers.
When I got plunged into this madness, was when I went to see her in the chapel of rest. My auntie warned me that I shouldn't go, but I wanted to see my Gran just for one last time before she was lost forever.
To compromise, we put a lace cloth over her. Just so I could see her, that Granny that I remembered so fondly and not the things that death had put in that place.
I went with my dad, the room was lit with candles and the room was sprayed with her perfume. As soon as I went in and saw the coffin, my eyes welled, I felt like my chest was expanding and I started crying. As did my dad. We both choked up, and had a father-daughter moment.
It was my Gran, lifeless. I was almost expecting her to jump up at me, and yell "BOO!".
But she didn't.
Of course the funeral was upsetting too, especially when I said my goodbye. It was horrible and painful, but I know (cheesy line, but it's true) that she will always be with me. Always a part of my memories and life.
When the christmas holidays rolled around, and my aunt and uncle went back to their homes, I started to feel low. I didn't want to talk, I just wanted to be by myself. Even though I had supportive friends and family, I felt like I was all alone. Looking at the world through a plastic bubble, totally isolated, I was bored, sad, and unhappy. Grieving, but it was horrible.
On the 27th, my mind went into this very, very dark place. I started to wonder about questions, thinking about what it would be like to be dead, how people would react. At one point, I thought of what it would be like if I committed suicide, but I thought that there was no point because nobody would care enough to find me.
From the 27th-28th, my mind was blank, only thinking about dark, hopeless topics. I wondered if humanity was dead. I thought nobody cared about me, nobody knew me, and nobody would ever want to love me.
But I managed to snap out of it. With a lot of help from music and from myself. Basically, I was at my desk doing revision when I looked at a pair of scissors. I thought "Hmmm, I wonder how sharp the blades are". So I picked it up, felt it and pressed it to my wrists. As soon as I began to press down, I immediately thought "What the hell am I doing?!". I dropped them, and ran downstairs. I turned on the radio (my parents weren't home) full blast and blew out the thoughts in my head. Over the next couple of days, I learned to accept natures cycle and that everything comes at a cost.
Even though I am still grieving.
When I was in this dark place, I said and did a lot of things I really shouldn't have. I wish I could take them back, but nobody's perfect. To anybody I've hurt, I'm sorry. I was just probably jealous that you had your happiness.
Just remember world, nobody, and I mean NOBODY can pull yourself out of a dark world but yourself. You just have to find the will power to do it.
I wanna dedicate this next passage to my Gran (soppy I know, but let me have my moment, haha):
When I was 6, I remember the first time I was really scared. It wasn't of spiders or clowns, or anything else a typical 6 year old would be scared of.
It was of my Granny falling.
She was stepping off the curb and she started to sway. I heard my dad shout "Mum, look out!" That's when I turned around, closed my eyes and covered my ears.
I didn't want to see my Granny getting hurt.
Now that she's gone, I guess I don't have to be scared anymore. But I would give anything, say anything or do anything to be scared like that again.
And even though my soul is ripped in half, I know that my granny is up in heaven smiling down at me.
My angel, we were so close. It's so hard knowing that you're not with us anymore. I'm glad at least that you're in a better place where God is taking care of you.
Just remember that your Granddaughter loves you. And will love you for eternity.
B x