Dark times...

Okay, so I'm gonna tell you about a particularly dark time for me. Don't worry, I'm not gonna go all soppy and make you want to hang yourself or anything.
World, I just feel I should warn you. If you are going through a dark time, just remember: Be yourself!
Okay so here it is (this may be long):
It all started when I was coming back from the Clothes show live in Birmingham. We were on the coach, as it was just pulling into the school. I went to my mother's car, where she was on the phone talking to my auntie, and she was saying the the ambulance was at my grandmother's house. After my mum got off the phone, I asked her what it was about, and she said "Oh, the ambulance couldn't get hold of (my) dad, so they rung Sue to tell her that Granny had a fall. I'll take you home now".
But, I objected. I wanted to see if my granny was alright, after all my Gran and I were quite close. So we arrive at Halifax house (where she was living, and happy to live at that) and we made her way to the flat she was staying in. We see a police officer as we are walking down that hallway, and he starts to make his way down.
My mother asks him "Is everything alright? You called my sister in law about a fall?" The police officer then delivers the piece of news which is why you are reading this blog right now:
"I was called here because residents here rang me, and I'm afraid, she has passed away".
My soul ripped in half. I could feel it running all the way down my chest, up my back and through my arms. My mother and I turned around simultaneously and broke down crying. No offense to anyone out there, but you have no idea just how painful it is until it's happened to you.
The officer gave us details, but I wasn't listening. There was only one thing going round my mind at that moment, which was "Granny, granny, granny...".
My mother had to break the news to my dad and my auntie. One piece of information you should know, is that my grandpa (dad's dad) died when my dad was just 18.
Could you imagine, having to tell 2 children that their only remaining parent has just died. I gained to much respect for my mother, even more than what I already had.
We told my brother when we went back home to come and get him. I've only seen him cry twice in 7 years, and this was the second time.
My dad eventually arrived, and we had a moment. This was the very first time I've ever seen my dad cry.
My aunt arrived the next day, and my uncle (from Australia and my dad's younger brother) on Wednesday.
I had to tell my friends what happened on Wednesday.
I was dreading this part the most, because I knew that as soon as I would tell them, all the memories from that day would come rushing back to me. But everyone was supportive, as well as the teachers.
When I got plunged into this madness, was when I went to see her in the chapel of rest. My auntie warned me that I shouldn't go, but I wanted to see my Gran just for one last time before she was lost forever.
To compromise, we put a lace cloth over her. Just so I could see her, that Granny that I remembered so fondly and not the things that death had put in that place.
I went with my dad, the room was lit with candles and the room was sprayed with her perfume. As soon as I went in and saw the coffin, my eyes welled, I felt like my chest was expanding and I started crying. As did my dad. We both choked up, and had a father-daughter moment.
It was my Gran, lifeless. I was almost expecting her to jump up at me, and yell "BOO!".
But she didn't.
Of course the funeral was upsetting too, especially when I said my goodbye. It was horrible and painful, but I know (cheesy line, but it's true) that she will always be with me. Always a part of my memories and life.
When the christmas holidays rolled around, and my aunt and uncle went back to their homes, I started to feel low. I didn't want to talk, I just wanted to be by myself. Even though I had supportive friends and family, I felt like I was all alone. Looking at the world through a plastic bubble, totally isolated, I was bored, sad, and unhappy. Grieving, but it was horrible.
On the 27th, my mind went into this very, very dark place. I started to wonder about questions, thinking about what it would be like to be dead, how people would react. At one point, I thought of what it would be like if I committed suicide, but I thought that there was no point because nobody would care enough to find me.
From the 27th-28th, my mind was blank, only thinking about dark, hopeless topics. I wondered if humanity was dead. I thought nobody cared about me, nobody knew me, and nobody would ever want to love me.
But I managed to snap out of it. With a lot of help from music and from myself. Basically, I was at my desk doing revision when I looked at a pair of scissors. I thought "Hmmm, I wonder how sharp the blades are". So I picked it up, felt it and pressed it to my wrists. As soon as I began to press down, I immediately thought "What the hell am I doing?!". I dropped them, and ran downstairs. I turned on the radio (my parents weren't home) full blast and blew out the thoughts in my head. Over the next couple of days, I learned to accept natures cycle and that everything comes at a cost.
Even though I am still grieving.
When I was in this dark place, I said and did a lot of things I really shouldn't have. I wish I could take them back, but nobody's perfect. To anybody I've hurt, I'm sorry. I was just probably jealous that you had your happiness.
Just remember world, nobody, and I mean NOBODY can pull yourself out of a dark world but yourself. You just have to find the will power to do it.
I wanna dedicate this next passage to my Gran (soppy I know, but let me have my moment, haha):
When I was 6, I remember the first time I was really scared. It wasn't of spiders or clowns, or anything else a typical 6 year old would be scared of.
It was of my Granny falling.
She was stepping off the curb and she started to sway. I heard my dad shout "Mum, look out!" That's when I turned around, closed my eyes and covered my ears.
I didn't want to see my Granny getting hurt.
Now that she's gone, I guess I don't have to be scared anymore. But I would give anything, say anything or do anything to be scared like that again.
And even though my soul is ripped in half, I know that my granny is up in heaven smiling down at me.
My angel, we were so close. It's so hard knowing that you're not with us anymore. I'm glad at least that you're in a better place where God is taking care of you.
Just remember that your Granddaughter loves you. And will love you for eternity.
B x

Couples

Okay, so I'm happy for them and everything. And it's not couples that annoy me overall, but it's the ones that post their relationship all over the internet. Like the sort of lovey dovey stuff that physically make you cringe.

For instance, I know this girl who just recently got a boyfriend (like a month ago or something), and she already says she's in love. So does the boyfriend, to quote his words, they are "very much in love".

So I talk to this guy on facebook quite a bit because we're mates and we get along (I've also met up with him a couple of times). We have loadsa stuff in common, and she starts getting jealous. So she starts posting on his wall "Baby I love you so much, don't ever leave me, my life isn't complete without you..." with a billion x's on the end. I was sitting there with this smug look on my face, thinking how pathetic it is that a boyfriend can't have any girl mates. 

If I ever get another boyfriend, I would mind if he hung around with other girls, just like I hang around with other guys.

Especially when it came up to their anniversary, they posted a 3 paragraph essay on how much they love each other and how they want to spend the rest of their lives together. Okay, no jokes right, the passage that the guy sent to the girl actually made me PHYSICALLY cringe, it was that cheesy. 

Also when I first met up with him, I was trying to talk to him but I couldn't see his face because hers was is the way. And he was just kissing her on the cheek the whole time?! Talk about making me slit my wrists. 

Sorry for going on a bit of a rant world, it's just stuff like that really irks me. But to all the non-lovey dovey happy couples out there, congrats to you all. I hope you have a great relationship!

B x

Gay people?

This is always a long drawn out debate about whether homosexuality is wrong.
Personally, I think it's wrong. Well not wrong, it just doesn't appeal to me(duh). But I don't mind gay people whatsoever. Personally, I  think that, as a heterosexual, that men are right for me.
Of course that's not everyone's cup of tea.
Of course, I also think that gay people have right to get married and have the same rights that heterosexuals have. I hate how all the people who hates homosexuals are so against them having the same rights as we do (e.g. The Westboro baptist church) that they actually go out of their way to stop them from being who they are.
Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is NOT right. What do you think world?
B x

Computer games, etc.

Okay, when you get to my age, computer games are dorky.
Which is true enough, I mean computer games are for children aged 6-11 and perhaps 40 year old virgins.
But COME ON they're fun. You gotta admit it world, computer games are the shit.
They may not be for everybody, but the people who don't like them are boring and need to be shown a good time by playing a computer game.
Not saying that I play them, because I really don't. I'd much rather be writing in a blog or talking a the phone to my friends.
But it's such a good time killer, especially when you're bored as hell. Just play a good computer game if you have nothing to do.
Like Get the Glass. Such a crappy, yet addictive game. Or Sims 3. Also one of the worst games ever, but it's so much fun!
So that's the moral of this blog, world. Computer games may be nerdy, but they're a hell of a lot of fun.
B x

Injections and stuff

I have NO idea why people are so scared of them.
To be honest, it's just a pin going through your skin (hey, that rhymes). And at the end of the day it helps you become immune to some pretty nasty diseases and viruses.
I think it would be worse actually GETTING the virus/disease then having the injection that will help prevent the disease.
For example, I have jabs coming up on the 6th of February, and I am one of the only people who are not scared of it. The rest of the girls (and even some of the boys) are running round the school going "Oh my God, I'm so scared!". It's a week until we have the things, can you calm the hell down please?
So in year 8, a long long time ago, the girls had this cervical cancer jab. This one was optional, so some of the girls didn't apply. But then ones who did, you would think were not too bothered.
WRONG. My friend and I were the ONLY ones who weren't freaking out. Everybody else was crying, shaking and some of them even passed out. BEFORE the injections actually happened.
Come on girl, really? It's just a needle, not a flesh eating zombie.
I dunno world, sometimes I just think the human race is too, what's the word... Weak? Vulnerable?
Apart from the one who go to war that is. They're brave and I admire them because I know I wouldn't have the guts to do that.
That's why I'm not scared of a pin, because there is so many worse events going on in this world. I mean, war doesn't exactly compare to an injection now does it? You can't get an injection for dying.
Comment and tell me what you think!
B x

Diets

Girls and Boys, we've all tried them. Even I have and I'm only 14, but the truth is? None of them actually work!
I've done a diet which actually works though. It's not to do with low calories or reducing the amount of carbohydrates, no no no.
My secret? Exercise!
Yes, that dreaded word, feared by most women. And some men.
But I'm telling you, it works. Plus, don't eat crap! Only eat crap on special occasions (e.g. Christmas, Birthdays, maybe even every Friday give yourself a small treat).
That would be my advice anyways.
To all the girls who may be reading this- it's tough isn't it? I know that all girls say this, the world is so cruel, yada-yada-yada. Granted men probably have it just as tough.
I think it's hard for all human beings, isn't it world? All the pressure we're under to look skinny like anorexic models (and manorexic models too) just to become socially acceptable.
Things is though, girls are easily tempted. Not many of us have the strength to say "No" to a chocolate bar and smack it cross the face (apart from the ones who don't like chocolate, which in that case it's cake/biscuits).
Am I right or am I right?
Sigh, I dunno. I just stick to one motto world, which is what the rest of you should stick to as well:
"Live life with no worries, otherwise you're dead while living".
Alright isn't it? Just think about that world!
B xxxx

The River's Natural flow

Alright world?
Thanks for taking you time to read this blog, even if it may be pointless. 
I'm Bella Rivers, a 14 year old student who likes to speak her mind through the world of the internet (and through other people). 
Master manipulator (maybe not!), hopefully you'll be drawn into my blog as I have loads of stuff I like to talk about (being a natural chatter-box). 
Comment if you want, nobody's forcing you! I will update everyday, unless I forget which in that case it will be once a year. 
But that won't happen! 
I'll be on tomorrow! 
Love B